Hello, and welcome to the first ever edition of The Hater’s Blog. Now, before I begin I would like to point out that I have watched maybe a combined 2 min of Star Trek in any medium in my life, and 100% of those two minuets is from channel surfing. That being said this past Friday night I went out, braved the crowd, and popped my Star Trek cherry. Two hours later the only thing that was popped was my interest in Star Trek which was hardly more than a spit bubble to begin with.
This is not a movie review, but rather a retelling so you don’t have to waste your time and money. Before I delve into this I would like to point out that – like all – this will have spoilers (duh). So no complaints that I didn’t warn you, though you would have to be pretty thick to not expect any. I would also like to take the time to point out that this is a Star Trek movie and as such there is nothing to spoil here, do you really expect Capt. Kirk and company to die or lose to the invading…whatever? No, plain and simple. Okay, with that out of the way on to Hater’s Blog.
(to be fair 1000’s of the nameless masses (peons) do die)
We begin with Capt. Kirk bitching about how hard it is to fly around in deep space for three years. Oh boo hoo, you only get to be in charge of a awesome mega-ship (the U.S.S. Enterprise, but you knew that), and probably get some of the best space poon in the nebulous (OooOOoooOOoo space talk).
*Quick side note: Is Capt. Kirk asexual? Didn’t see him make even the slightest of moves on anyone of any gender or species. Like I said above, not a Trekkie so I really don’t know and this is a semi-honest question.*
So, we find Kirk on another random planet giving a tribute for the
‘Federation’ (cult) to some beast of an alien. Turns out the tribute is some piece of a weapon (not even the whole thing ‘Federation’ (cult)…really?!?!) and it (predictably) pisses off the scary looking locals. They attack (also predictably), but Capt. Kirk is totally fine because they are adorably tiny, and admittedly somewhat funny in their pursuits. Nonetheless, Kirk gets magically beamed out and we find him back on the ship wondering what the purpose of his journey is.
Anyhoo, the Enterprise is set to visit a mega-space-base (I’m a lyricist for my day job) Yorktown for a resupply. Yorktown is a giant snow globe in the middle of space that looks like a cross between Manhattan without any crime, and the city from Inception (you know the one that flips upside-down n’ shit, where anything is possible). On Yorktown we find out a few important things: 1) Kirk applied for a position to remain on Yorktown, 2) Spock and Uhura broke up, 3) Spocks father? uncle? himself? dies, 4) there are indeed gay people in space (surprise it’s the tiny gay Asian man!). Right before they are set to leave some B.S. escape pod comes to Yorktown and is all like “Oh hai! my ship got attacked in the middle of an asteroid field where you can’t get any radar to work. Oh I’m totally not gonna double cross you so why don’t you just send your best crew to save my crew from the baddies. K thx.” – Kalara. This is where the journey really begins. Oh, we also find out that Spock and Uhura break up because Spock feels bad about mixing races and wants to make pure-blood Vulcans. I believe this is put into to appease those of you terrible people out there that don’t like interracial/gay elopements (after all Sulu is gay so they had to balance that out for the evangelical Trekkies).
I will take this time to point out how I am incredulous at the fact they named the movie ‘Star Trek Beyond.’ Yorktown base is a stone’s throw away from this asteroid ridden planet that Kalara and her “crew” were attacked. In the beginning of the movie Kirk muses over how the universe is seemingly endless, so maybe if this movie really is ‘Beyond’ they should go somewhere, like, oh I dunno where the universe somehow ends. It’s a movie they can just make a rule that the Universe has bounds. This is really more like Star Trek Backyard, but whatever I’m not in Hollywood.
Predictably they fly into the asteroid field, and by golly there is a giant predictable alien ship waiting for them. Holy shit, didn’t see that one coming. The ship turns out to be millions of tiny ships flying in formation (somewhat less predictable) and they effectively destroy the Enterprise killing thousands of innocent peons as the Enterprise is torn apart by the tiny kamikaze ships. Thankfully?, none of the core members of the crew (space is always a feelgood story haven’t you seen/read ‘The Martian’) are killed in the fracas (although one did die in real life when he failed to put his jeep properly into gear).
*Oh, I forgot to mention that the bad guy in this flick is a alien named Krall. Krall wants some doomsday device (whoa didn’t see that coming) that the Enterprise just happens to carry around with them in the cargo hold (how convenient). Krall’s overall plan is to destroy Yorktown and the ‘Federation’ (cult), but I’m sure you knew that without me telling you (predictable).*
**Somehow the fact that Krall and Kalara are pretty much like Juan and Juanita didn’t raise any red flags with the ‘Federation’ (cult)**
Sure enough, the ship survives well enough to crash on the main planet allowing the main crew to escape on … escape pods. This includes Capt. Kirk, who despite all my knowledge that the Capt must stay with the sinking ship (Titanic anyone?) leaves his sinking ship. To be fair he got confirmation that everyone else was off, but still. Here we get to meet Scotty, I think he was in the movie earlier but I really didn’t notice him up until this point, and Scotty is busy being attacked by some savage looking locals. Like all skinny weak white guys in movies he is saved by a girl (predictable). The girl is some kinda alien/human/zebra/Avatar knockoff named Jaylah. Jaylah offers her assistance to Scotty (who she knows as Montgomery Scotty, sadly a top three joke in the movie) in exchange for Scotty engineering her “house.” The “house” is actually the an early ‘Federation’ (cult) ship (the U.S.S. Franklin) that had been lost years ago on a similar mission.
*I would like to take this opportunity to once again point out how dumb the Beyond part of the title is. PEOPLE FROM THE ‘FEDERATION’ (cult) HAVE ALREADY VISITED THIS PLANET! Now I don’t know about you, but when I hear beyond I think further than anyone has ever been before. But that’s just me.*
Montgomery Scotty agrees, and they start some weird non-romantic relationship that would feature romance in any other movie ever (non-predictable, but dumb. I want space poon!). Meanwhile Spock is stabbed by his escape pod when it crashed into the planet forcing Bones (I think that’s the Dr.’s name) to cauterize the wound. Don’t worry Spock lives, and continues to annoy Bones so I’ll just glaze over that.
Somehow they all find each other at the U.S.S. Franklin and fix it up enough to fly back to Yorktown to stop Krall. Krall finds the weapon after the Enterprise’s crash, and Capt. Kirk and the crew must race through the millions of tiny ships (again) to stop him. Kirk and Uhura find out that Krall was actually the commander of the U.S.S. Franklin, Balthazar Edison, who becomes disenfranchised in the ‘Federation’ (cult) after believing that they left him and his crew for dead and becomes evil (attention copyright infringement lawyers, I think Star Wars has a case here). Right before Krall and his army are set to release the weapon on Yorktown Rage Against the Machine saves the day. Seriously this happens, the song ‘Sabotage’ is played over some mega-speakers that disrupt the tiny ships’ nav systems causing them to crash into each other. Oh, but don’t worry the movie is not over yet as Krall is able to escape into the city.
Now, somehow back to looking human..ish, Krall gets into Yorktown’s ventilation system where he plans on release the weapon. By the way, the weapon is some sort of evil fog that kills (Attn: Steven King and ‘The Mist’) and the ventilation system will spread that fog across the city. (Predictably) Kirk stops him, almost dying himself, and saves the city.
In the end Kirk gets his promotion, but declines it as now he sees that he has a purpose in space travel, saving things that don’t need saving (Kalara) Spock and Uhura get back together after Spock sees her looking good at Capt Kirk’s birthday party (oh he hates b-days but he’s pretty chipper after saving everyone). Finally, Jaylah is accepted into the ‘Federation’s’ (cult) pilot program on Capt. Kirk’s recommendation (she is the real hero here, after all it was her home that allowed them passage back to Yorktown. Everyone lives happily ever after and it becomes clear that they have more adventures (movies) ahead.
Rating wise I give this movie a 4 out of 10 stars. It is heavily predictable, features some average (for today’s standards) CGI action, and really seems like a long TV show episode rather than a proper movie. The title is BEYOND stupid as the crew really doesn’t go beyond anything. Like all Star Trek things I have seen in research for this piece they somehow can breath the air on the mystery planet, which is just ridiculous. On that note 3 out of 10 stars for this movie.
Thank me later for saving you the 2 hours and $20 bucks (cash only please) that would have been spent on this movie.
Look for a short Hater’s Blog tomorrow on the Chris Sale vs. Throwback Jerseys fiasco tomorrow.
Other than that, thank you so much for your time and have a great rest of your day.