Every state has some claim that their drivers are the worst. If not from their state than drivers from a nearby state are the worst. I am here to tell you that if you think that any state (or city), outside of Seattle has the worst drivers, YOU ARE WRONG. Dead wrong.

The drivers of Seattle are some of the softest, most indecisive, slow, scared group of drivers I have ever laid witness to. I have lived in Chicago, Miami and Seattle and have spent a good deal of time in many other US cities, but they do not compare to what I see in Seattle on a daily basis. Miami may have its crazies that do whatever they want regardless of all traffic laws, and Chicago may have the occasional country bumpkin who seemingly has never seen more than one other car before, but Seattle has all that and more.

However, I am not going to get too deeply into Seattle drivers. Instead I will be giving those drivers three lessons on how they can improve, with maybe a few real life examples.

Rain, traffic circles and lane usage are three areas that I believe will fix some of Seattle’s congestion problems, literally overnight. So, if you know anyone in Seattle please forward this on to them.

  1. The rain will not kill you

In the winter in Seattle it rains just about everyday, and still these people do not seem to understand that you are allowed to drive more than 45 on the highway in those conditions. This is not a downpour, this is not hail, nor is it snow that I am talking about. I am talking about a simple, harmless, light rain. Luckily, I have the way to fix that problem, just drive. Just pretend that the sun is out, or maybe if you aren’t quiet that imaginative just pretend that those clouds are not delivering rain. Just drive as you normally do on a dry day, and all will be fine. You (and the others on the road) will be safer for it. Also, I have found that if you drive as if rain was not a factor you tend to get to your destination faster, which then leaves you with less time driving in…rain.

2. Traffic circles

This one is easy. If you are in a traffic circle YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. That’s it. You DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT stop and let someone else enter the traffic circle. I don’t care if you are letting me in, I will have none of that. When someone at a traffic circle does this wrong and waits for me to get into it in front of them.  I will just wait there until they decide to move. If I am the person behind someone that is letting another in front of them in a traffic circle, you can bet your first born son that I am laying on my damn horn. I am not F**king around people! I do not do these things to be a dick (yes I do), I do them to teach people lessons. Once you are in a traffic circle just go until you hit the exit you want, then turn there and get the f**k out of my life. I’m sorry that sounded a little mean, but it is true.

3. Proper highway lane usage

This is another one that I think is really easy, and should be the first thing any driving instructor teaches before they allow students on the highway. They must not do this in Washington state. In that case here is the rule: LEFT = faster cars/passing, RIGHT = all of the rest of you ninnies. If you are passing someone to your right, go ahead use that left lane and get around that person. If you wanna drive fast, go ahead and use that left lane to fly by. There are no other reasons for you to be there, none, except maybe if you are forced to be in that fast lane unwillingly by other drivers. Here is one caveat, if you are driving fast in the fast lane and notice that there is someone going faster than you, get over. Do not hold that person up, and there are two reasons for this. One, you should allow that person to drive as they please. Two, they will fly by you and hopefully be the one that is caught by the police that are hiding in the median.

Let me tell you a little tale about a women in north Seattle who has a special place in hell reserved. One morning, whilst I was on my way to work. I was driving in the left lane of the highway because I was going faster than all of the other cars on the road, like I should be. I’m going about 75 MPH and I see a red PT Cruiser (red flag) in the left lane, ahead of me. Now, if this PT Cruiser knew the correct way to drive they would get over and let me on my merry way. They did not do this. Let me also point out that there was no one else on the road to block them from changing lanes, which is a (somewhat) acceptable reason for being in the way of a faster driver. This PT Cruiser, with all the space in the world to get into their proper lane, just sat there, in the fast lane going right about the speed limit. So, I have a few options; I can switch lanes myself and pass on the right, I can get into the carpool lane and pass them real quick, OR I can tailgate them until they move over in an effort to teach them proper driving. I think you can all guess what I picked. You know what happened? Nothing. This f**king moron just kept going at the same pace. I motioned for them to get over a few times, but still nothing. Eventually even a great teacher, like myself, gets fed up so I changed into the right lane real quick and blew by the PT Cruiser. While passing them I looked over and you know what gesture I was given? The finger, THE FINGER. The nerve of that…animal, who was 100% in the wrong, to flip me the bird. I kept my cool and continued on my way to work, now unperturbed. Whoever you are, PT Cruisin’ BITCH, if you somehow read this please @ me. My Twitter is @M_C_S_N, my email is MCSNetwerk@gmail.com. Please reach out so we can have a one-on-one driving session and you will be a better person for that.

As always thanks for reading the hater’s blog and keep hating with me. If you have any hate please send them my way and I can do a mailbag someday.